Nobody Knows? Nope, nobody

I went to see a Japanese film playing for free at a school theater today—『誰も知らない』, a.k.a. “Nobody Knows.” I had a hard time taking it seriously at first, because as I walked into the theater I couldn’t help but imagine the field day Abbott & Costello would have had with this movie.

“So what’s playing?”
“‘Nobody Knows.’”
“Huh? They are showing a movie, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s it called?”
“‘Nobody Knows.’”
“What do you mean ‘nobody knows?’”
“I mean ‘Nobody Knows.’”
“That’s ridiculous! How can that be?”
“I don’t know. I’m not familiar with the director.”
“The director of what?“
“‘Nobody Knows.’”
“Fuck you.”

Of course I stopped smirking when the movie turned out to be the most depressing 3 hours I’ve ever spent staring at a screen in the dark in a room full of strangers. I can’t say I recommend it, unless you need a reminder of how much worse your life could suck if your parents abandoned you and your three siblings as children and left you to die.

There are exactly three Japanese movies that I recommend watching:

• “Get Up!“—The story of a Yakuza boss who loves James Brown. Before he gets put in the slammer, his henchmen try to kidnap James Brown to perform for him, but accidentally nab an impersonator instead. Hilarity ensues.
• “Bayside Shakedown“—A cop movie that’s more serious than “Police Academy” but funnier than “Law & Order.” Based on a TV series of the same name (without “THE MOVIE”).
• “Bayside Shakedown 2“—More of the same, yes, but I just can’t get enough of 青島.

Watch anything else at your own peril.