Another ekiden failure

I ran another ekiden this past Sunday. It was the Seto Ekiden, a mostly local event with sections of pretty similar length to the one I ran previously. Since the beginning of the new year I’ve been training as regularly as my legs allow it, and so I was hoping to perform a little bit better this time. At the very least I wanted to be able to finish without slowing to a walk.

But, true to form, I of course failed spectacularly. Here’s how it happened:

First of all, my alarm clock failed to go off.

George

I’ll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up.

Nope, it wasn’t the AM/PM since my alarm clock is my cell phone and it uses a 24h clock.

Jerry

My money’s on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back on.

Nope, it wasn’t the snooze. I don’t think the snooze function ever gives up on my phone.

Jean-Paul

Man, it wasn’t the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.

Jerry

AM/PM?

Jean-Paul

Man, it wasn’t the AM/PM. It was the volume.

Nope, the volume was set fine. The alarm is plenty loud even if the phone is in silent mode.

The problem was something that could really only happen on a device as complex and advanced as a Japanese cell phone: I figured I’d just get up at the same time I usually do for work, but I forgot that the “Work” alarm was set to only go off on weekdays.

So I woke up about 15 minutes before I had to meet the team, put on my running outfit, raced to Lawson to pick up some rice balls, and downed them as quickly as possible while walking to the meeting place.

Upon arriving I found that I had been moved from section 2, the flat part, to section 1, the hilly part. That also meant that I had about an hour less to digest.

The race started at 9:30 am in the bitter coastal winds. I was doing fine for about 10 minutes, then all of a sudden my stomach cramped up—the rice balls weren’t gone yet, and they were angry. I slowed to a walking pace, being passed by junior high and elementary school students, in front of the whole town which had for some reason turned out to watch.

Pathetically limping along, I was quite relieved to see the finish area—only to realize that it was the halfway finish area for the juvenile division (which runs the same full distance but divided among twice the runners). I got a good laugh from the crowd when I tried to pass my sash to my teammate who wasn’t there. The second half sucked about as much as the first.

Days later my stomach still feels weird, and I was really dogging it when I went running today. I suppose no matter how awesome the iPod + Nike exercise measurement system is, it doesn’t make you an athlete.

Saving money

I haven’t been getting out much lately. I’ve almost convinced myself that that’s ok, though, because it means I don’t spend money. But even with my rampant, impulsive, caution-to-the-wind saving, it never hurts to pinch every penny just a little bit harder. I’ve come up with these tips to help you, my loyal readers, save a little bit more this year.

Poop at work

That way you don’t have to pay for toilet paper, or the water you flush.

Pee in the shower

This will also save you flush money. Remember kids, “winners don’t flush.”

Always “take a penny”

Even if you have exact change, pretend you don’t and take a couple extra pennies from the “take-a-penny-leave-a-penny” tray. After all, your taxes paid for that tray.

“Draft” while driving

“Drafting” is a technique utilized by professional racers in which you take advantage of the wind tunnel created by someone in front of you, reducing your own wind resistance. While driving, get as close as possible to the car in front of you. This will improve your gas mileage, allowing you to slash your gasoline budget.

Dine on supermarket samples

Depending on the day of the week, time of day, supermarket chain, etc. you can get practically a full meal just by eating the samples. Pick up a box of something-or-other like you’re going to buy it, walk around eating samples, then return the box to the shelf before you leave.

The path to riches is lined with other peoples’ TP. It’s a fact; look it up. (You down with OPTP?)

Soda, revisited

Sorry to post so rapid-fire about nonsense, but I think we need to revisit BUBBLEMAN II: SODA PLANET.

One of the things that tickles me so much about it is the fact that it’s the second of its kind, apparently. It’s not just BUBBLEMAN. It’s BUBBLEMAN II. I know there was Coke and then the New Coke, but this has got to be the first time that a beverage has gotten a sequel.

Has the carbonated beverage become the new vehicle for artistic expression in the 21st century? (Or is BUBBLEMAN from the future, meaning it’s a harbinger of things to come?) Will we one day drink a soda instead of read a book or watch a movie or contemplate a painting? In my expert opinion, the answer is yes.

職名改名

今日も子供らから「子供いるの？」とか「結婚してるの？」、「えっ？２２歳？うそ！だって頭はげとるよ」など、そうとう年輩そうに見えるようなことをまたまた言われましたので、本日をもちまして私の職種の正式名称を「国際交流員」から、「若手実力派国際交流師」に改名させていただきます。（課長、許してくれるかな？）

今年僕の大学からたまたま東京の大学に留学している知り合いが意外と多くて、その中の一人がこの間コストコに行ってきた。コストコに行くと知った僕はさっそく物乞いを始めた。たぶんくれないと思いながら「オリーブとピーナツバターをくれ」と頼んだら、月曜日の朝にオフィスに着いたらなんと、変な形にふくらんでいる封筒が机の上に置いてあった。開けてみるとオリーブの缶詰２本に、短歌が添えてあった。しかも枕詞や掛詞などを使った完璧な古文の歌だった。よくやるな、我が後輩が。内容はあとで詳しく書くけど、要約すると「あんた、島流しされて淋しいね」という感じのものだった。

そこで問題です：　返歌はもう詠んだけど、何に書けばいいのか。要は、田舎の良さを主張する歌なんで、田舎を代表する素材が一番いいだろう。でも何も思い浮かばない。助けてください。

Lies, all lies

Bubble Man II: Soda Planet

I had one of those days. One of those days where there’s a swirling pit of black, burning ooze at the bottom of your stomach and you can’t tell if it’s there because there’s something horribly, horribly wrong with your life and everything in it, or simply because you ate too many peanuts.

I was going to write the above paragraph yesterday, I think, but then I lost the will to blog.

Today I realized that my job has degenerated into lying to children. “My name is Noguchi Saburō.” “I don’t speak English.” “I’m 72 years old.” “I’m a robot from the planet Beebledybop.” My excuse is that they seem to enjoy it almost as much as I do.

I finally gave in to deliciousness and tried Suntory’s BUBBLEMAN II: SODA PLANET beverage of carbonated bliss. It tastes like liquid candy. On the side of the can, BUBBLEMAN himself informs you that the can contains “Even more advanced BUBBLE TECHNOLOGY.” He then urges the customer to “Experience ORIGINAL BUBBLES.”

K and I decided to rename Japan “Wacky Land.” Just throwing that out there.

I finally got my new computer at work. It’s quite nice. Except that it’s completely useless, as they have yet to connect it to the LAN. How long does it take to get the IT guy to grab a CAT5, climb one flight of stairs, and connect the goddamn computer? These people make glaciers seem like F1 racing cars.

So clearly the honeymoon period is well over by this point. It was fun while it lasted.

Edit: After facetiously claiming over IM to be weeping gently into a mikan peel, I was challenged by M to write a poem about my love life using that imagery:

実らぬ秋みかんの皮にひと雫

Bippity boppity Beppu

Azure Hell

ゐなかなる男、まはりやものなかりけむ、街を思ひて、お湯の熱きところにまいらむとて別府なる国にいたりぬ。砂に埋まるるこそ興あらむと人の言ひけるに、試さずはあらじとて男応ぢぬ。こころよく汗ながせば、急に尻のやけどせむに男かくなむ。

砂湯にしゆかば蒸し焼き外人かな

のち冷ゆる男、山のいただき見むとて綱道のれば、人の絶えずしゃべるを憂しと思ひてかくなむ。

耳ざわル、乗務員娘ノ、語尾つよク

なんちゃって中国語

遊びに行く約束をしていた友達にこんなメールをさっき送ってしまった。

宛先

T さん

件名

挨拶

本文

本日遊戯未決定無礼要謝罪。先方意見拝受意欲多々。昨日大量飲酒睡眠不足本日運転不随心配。

文体不可思議要謝罪。解読可能不可能疑惑。

そして返事が来た。友達は疲れたと言って、今日の予定をキャンセルしてしまった。しかもなぜか返事は完璧な英語で書かれていた。また僕が返信。

宛先

T さん

件名

Re: 返信挨拶

本文

打破約束落胆。不特定未来期日再度同行遠足願望。本日休養堪能命令。

先方通信驚愕英語達者。話術隠蔽狡猾。少々不信湧出（米国的冗談）

少しでもお解りいただけたでしょうか？　これだから僕はモテない男です。

9月18日に更新：２日後、まったくコメントなし。インターネットまでシラケてしまった。これはちょっとすごい。

Attack of the native Engrish speaker

I was hanging out last night with a JET friend of mine who lives in the somewhat-nearby town of Ōzu. We were discussing the ins and outs of curtains, and how mine don’t block very much light in the morning. I found heavy black curtains at the nearby Dik (that’s yet another story) that claim to block 99.99% of incident light, to the tune of about $50. My friend weighed in on the subject by dropping this bombshell of profundity:

The sun is a jerk. It destroys me.

This proved to be a source of both inspiration and unending hilarity. I immediately whipped out Super Mario Bros. 3 on the emulator and we played far enough to get some key sprites. Then we whipped together this:

Click for full size

It’s too bad we can’t make shirts and sell this. Damn copyrights.

初陣

昨日、皿洗いをしてたら、流し台になんと、一匹の小さなムカデが出現してしまった。初めての遭遇で思わず「Oh god holy fuck shit」等の連発がしばらく続いた。落ち着いて状況を把握したら、お湯を蛇口から流し始め、はしか何かで鍋の後ろに隠れたムカデを流しの網までおびき出して、たっぷりお湯をかけた。数十秒くらいもがいたあと、動きを止めたので死んだかと思ったら、はしでつかんでみるとピクッとまた動くのでまたお湯をぶっかける。今度は完全に殺されてしまっていた。

そう、殺されてしまっていた。「死んでいた」という言い方はできなくはないけれど、僕の心に、いや、全身の肉体にも魂にさえも宿っていた、押さえきれない殺意は、「死んでいた」では伝わらないので、「殺されてしまっていた」としよう。「極端な偏見をもって」というフレーズが思い浮かぶ。

今日もいつもどおりのつまらない仕事かと思ったら、昨日アメリカから帰ってきた広報担当者が、取材に誘ってくれた。佐田岬半島のてっぺん近くにムーンビーチという砂浜があって、そこに三崎保育所の子供たちが遊びに行っていた。着いた瞬間に「英語人だ!!!」と叫び、駆けつけて寄ってきた。みんな怖がらずに積極的に質問したり、肌や髪の毛に触ったり、「英語できんの？何かしゃべって！」と可愛く要求したりして、一緒に40分くらい楽しく遊んだ。引っ張りだこみたいにあっちこっち話しかけられたのをひとつにまとめるとこんな感じだった。

Fun in the sun with preschoolers

子供たち

英語人だ！

僕

こんにちは！　僕はアーロンです！　でも英語人じゃなくてアメリカ人だよ

子供たち

アメリカ？え？

僕

アメリカは遠いところだよ。飛行機に乗って飛んできた

子供たち

ウルトラマン知ってる？

僕

ウルトラマン知ってるよ。実は、僕とウルトラマンは幼なじみだよ。ウルトラマンはね、結婚して今アメリカに住んでるよ。

子供たち

へえええ　何歳なの？

僕

何歳に見える？

子供たち

んんと　５８歳

わし

ははは　惜しい！まだ２２だよ

子供たち

あたしバスで来たの。アメリカまでバスで行くよ

わし

そんなバス乗ってみたいな

とにかく、楽しかった。

午後にオフィスに帰ったら、係長が自転車を買いに連れて行ってくれるというので、再び遠足に。

国際交流事業報告書

日時：　平成１８年８月１１日（金）　PM 1:45～PM 3:08

場所：　ダイキ　（通称「DiK」）　八幡浜店

目的：　自転車の購入

内容：　国際交流係長の自動車に乗せてもらい、自転車を買いに行ってきました。

感想・意見：　係長は年輩の方できつい方言をしゃべり、そのうえ入れ歯をされており、彼の発する言葉の９９％は理解できません。しかし、それにもかかわらず目的は達成できました。

その他：　なし

Dancin’ fool

I got some good comments on the last article, so I’ll give you another in English.

Yesterday the ALT living below me took me to a Bon festival dance practice session. The Bon festival is a big summer deal in Japan, originally having to do with ancestors and filial piety and all that jazz. In reality it’s more of an excuse for everyone to get rowdy and drunk early in the morning.

Like so much of Japanese life, the festival demands clearly defined gender roles. Women dance and cook. Men get drunk and pretend to enjoy carrying heavy decorative floats. That’s the way it always has been and always will be; the natural state of the things, the circle of life, the nitrogen cycle, or the maybe even the Carnot engine. You know, one of those touchy-feely things that involve the placenta.

I pulled a gender bender last night, going to practice traditional Bon dances with the local troupe of quinquagenarian housewives. We pranced around in a circle, them moving with the grace and fluidity of decades of experience, me helplessly flailing my limbs in a poor attempt to mimic them. Needless to say, I had a monopoly on Y chromosomes in the room.

Earlier in the day I played hookey after lunch and got my friend to take me to buy a cell phone. I felt naked without a phone, but once I got it I realized I don’t really have anyone to talk to on it. It does have a pretty good camera built-in (3 megapixels), so as soon as I figure out how to transfer the photos to my POS work computer, you can all partake in the eyecandy.

In other good news, I got confirmation that my internet will be ready to go next Saturday. Despite this being the middle of nowhere, it will actually be faster than my parents’ connection in Minneapolis.

After work I’m going with my ALT friend to the nearby town of Uwa for some kaiten zushi. You may recall my previous pontifications on that particular piece of popular prandial perfection. Suffice it to say that kaiten zushi is without a doubt the best food on earth, and I would literally strangle any number of babies if it meant I would get a chance to eat it.