Wafoo!® JAPAN

最近よくテレビで見るケンタッキーの CM に、草彅剛が着物姿で出て、ケンタッキーの新メニュー「和風なんとかチキン」を正座しながら美味しそうにパリパリかじり、「日本人でよかったぁ〜」という言葉を漏らす。

んんん何だと？ちょっと待った。外資系のファストフード店が（しかも KFC みたいなどアメリカンなやつが）フライドチキンの名に〈和風〉をつけてごまか何かを表面にかけただけで、日本人は一体なにを誇るべきというのかな？　と伺うとまた不可解な日本人論が出てきそうなのでやめよう。

昨日お世話になった先生と一緒に、山に囲まれている農業が盛んな街のとてもお上品な和食のお店で食事をしていたら、感想を聞かれて、なにかひたすら和風な発言を考えないと！と思って言った。「この食事で、山の幸と海の幸の違いがよくわかったような気がします。」みんな激しくうなずきながら「ふうぅ〜ん」と納得したようなため息をついた。　・・・　あれでよかった？合格とみてくれたのかな？

気がつけば、デタラメな発言でわびさびを究めたフリをし大和魂を気取っている僕がいた。

Nomura’s Hidden Castle

Nomura's Hidden Castle

This post is dedicated to K, who may not make it through tomorrow without my help entertaining her.

I’m trying to find pumpkins so my elementary school kids can make jack-o-lanterns for Halloween. Through an acquaintance I managed to get my hands on a few pumpkins from a contest in Nomura, the closest place where they actually grow non-citrus produce. I managed to get out of work to go pick the pumpkins up with some people.

We took a bit of a detour. A long, narrow, winding road led us up a mountain, all the way into the grounds of a castle. This castle isn’t left over from ancient times or anything. It was built by some weirdo with money he skimmed from his own company rather than let it get taken as taxes.

It used to be a hotel and restaurant, and also a retreat for company parties and whatnot. Then the guy got old and donated it to the city, but the city doesn’t take care of it because it’s in the middle of nowhere and never really got any business.

Now it’s just home to the biggest insects I’ve ever seen outside a zoo in my life.

Then I had an amazing dinner, came home, got tired, gave up on the idea of studying, blogged, and now I’m going to rot my brain with TV until I go to bed. Sorry my life isn’t more interesting.

Crunch time

Things got interesting last night. And by interesting, I mean potentially injurious.

I was in the not-so-nearby town of Ōzu visiting a friend. I made a left turn onto a horribly narrow little road, and accidentally scraped my car against an until-then invisible guardrail. The left side of my Daihatsu MOVE is now a bit scratched up and slightly more concave than before. It still drives fine, though.

Visions of multi-hundred dollar repair bills floated before my eyes as I reported the incident to the yakubizzle. They of course wanted to see the car to assess the damage themselves. I brought it in after my elementary school visit.

The section chief took one look at it and said, “It’s an old car, and the damage is pretty light. What do you think?” I told him that if it were my car, I wouldn’t bother fixing it. We then explained the situation to the insurance specialist: “I hit a guardrail.” “Yeah, that’ll happen.”

The conclusion: The car is due for shaken in Feburary; we’ll have it repaired then. In other words, I’m off the hook.

Later I was discussing with a contemporary of mine the fact that Japanese people don’t get wet when it rains.

M

The streets [in Tokyo] are super narrow too. It was raining today and I had to keep raising my umbrella just to let the cars pass.

Me

yeah, rain in tokyo sucks ass. the only way you won’t get wet is if you’re already wet. then you at least can’t get wetter.

M

Seriously!! And the Japanese people didn’t look wet at all. what the heck is up with that?? Are Japanese people naturally scotch guarded or something?

Me

they are somehow impervious to everything about their climate.

M

[A friend] and I were observing what was going on. All the gaijin were DRENCHED and these little urban princesses were walking around in their open-toe 3 inch heels and looking sassy. bitches.

Me

sometimes i think they’re not even corporeal, but are actually lost souls doomed to roam the island for all eternity.

M

Nothing is more fun than dissing the Japanese. I’m sorry, but it’s just hours of fun filled entertainment

Me

they bring it on themselves

M

I think so yes

徒然ブログ

徒然なるままに、パソコンに向かひて、脳裏をよぎりていく訳のわからぬ神経の囁きをキーボードに叩き込みたるに、なんだか風邪気味で喉の奥がひりひり痛み出しき。

ただいま仕事場にいるものの、仕事をする気にはとてもなれない。どうかお許し下さい、ずっと前から「ブログ見たい見たい」と言ってたくせに未だに見てない我が同僚よ。（←こんな無礼なことを書いたらその人が絶対たまたま次の日にでも見てしまう。宇宙の仕組みはそんなもんだから）

この間村上春樹のデビュー作（だっけ？）「風の歌を聞け」を読み終わった。村上の本を読み始めると、「小説家になりたいな」といつも思ってしまう。読み終わると、「小説家は無理だな」という結論に必ずたどり着く。言葉と言葉をつないで面白い文章を書くという作業なら、僕は結構好きで、自分なりにその腕は悪くないと思う。でもそれは小説ではない。小説とは･･･と定義を提供したいところだが、それを語るほどの知識もやる気もない。でも要するにブログを面白く書けても（このブログを面白いと褒めてくれた方々に多謝）それが小説につながるとは限らない。

僕は日本語を活かしたキャリアに就きたい。そんなわけで日英バイリンガル向きの求人メーリングリストに登録している。普段はどこどこのちっぽけな町の自動なんとか機メーカーが翻訳のために営業マンを募集中とかいうやつだけど、最近なぜか Google や Yahoo! からソフトウェア・エンジニアの求人メールが来ている。それを見るたびにちょっとドキッとする。日本語を活かした IT 関係の仕事ができればどんなに素敵なことか。でもそれも無理な気がする。

Evil socialist propaganda

本当にやりたいことを決めて、それを大学院やら企業やらで絶えず追求するという能力を、僕は持ち合わせていないのかもしれない。ときどきそう思う。

心に移りゆく由なし事といったら、伊方小学校の校舎の壁に描いてある魚の絵は右の社会主義の宣伝に非常によく似ている。

Sea bream, Nintendo, and beer

Sea bream's last hurrah

This is going to be a very random post. Please bear with me.

The picture is of a sea bream that had been sliced and diced and fixed in a grotesque position, its dead eyes cutting into one’s soul like a laser through a marshmallow. It was present at my welcome party, stoically offering up its flesh as sashimi for the enjoyment of my drunken coworkers.

I recently visited a store called Hard Off. You heard me. There are a number of chains of used goods stores in Japan named “x Off” where x ranges from “Book” to “Hard(ware)” to “House(hold goods).” At Hard Off they have used electronic hardware of all kinds, including “junk” items, at garage sale prices, that may or may not work. I gave in to the dark side and picked up a Super Nintendo and a bunch of classic games for extremely cheap.

I was recommended a brewery by someone who I’d be honored to call a colleague. It was a little pricey, but the service was excellent—my 12 bottle sampler arrived two days after I sent in my payment, on a holiday, and because I was out at the moment the delivery guy called me on my cell to arrange a pickup. The beer? Quite good. Infinitely better than the standard Asahi, Kirin, Suntory, etc. crap.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with the other JETs in the area. They’re all really nice, but I’m worried that I might be repeating some of the same mistakes I made at Keio—specifically, not making enough of an effort to get to know the locals. On the other hand, the locals have blown me off 3 times in a month, so screw them.

Apple recently issued a battery recall, and mine fell into the recalled group. My replacement arrived today, eliminating extended battery life as one possible benefit to upgrading my old iBook to a MacBook. Would someone like to break into my house and steal my iBook? Let me get some theft insurance and back up my data first; then we’ll get this show on the road.

I haven’t gone running for a couple weeks, with the excuse that I don’t want to aggravate my shin splints. My apartment is instantly filthy the moment I stop cleaning it. I’m planning a Halloween event of some kind for my elementary kids but don’t know where to find any pumpkins.

My kingdom for the energy to run, a perpetually clean apartment, and a field full of pumpkins! Oh yeah, and a new MacBook.

Fascists against drunk driving

First of all I’d like to state that I am not in favor of drunk driving.

However, I read something in the paper today that made me mad: Japanese auto makers, particularly Nissan, are apparently moving to introduce devices that prevent a car from starting up if the driver has consumed alcohol. Suggested devices to be made requirements for starting the car:

1. A brethalyzer tube on the dashboard into which you must blow, or
2. inputting a long, complicated PIN that would be too difficult to enter while drunk.

This is just stupid. I’m not going to take a goddamn breathalyzer every time I want to start my car, and I’m not memorizing some obnoxious password.

The impetus for these draconian measures is the “skyrocketing” DUI-related death rate in Japan. The actual numbers listed in the article? About 1200 cases in 2002 or 2003, and a full 700-some cases in 2005. Let’s compare with the US: According to MADD, there were 17,448 people killed in alcohol related crashes in 2001. Unless 14.5 people were killed in every single incident in Japan, I don’t think they’re even freaking close. Yes, Japan has half the population of the US; yes, we’re not comparing apples to apples here (number of drunken driving incidents that led to death vs. number of drunk driving deaths), but first of all, this is clearly not a pressing social problem. And drunk driving deaths are not skyrocketing if, as the article stated, there was a 38% drop over the last 3 years.

Won’t somebody please think of the children!?! Let’s give up our personal freedoms just to appease a bunch of knee-jerking soccer moms and some auto manufacturers that want to sell us yet another must-have feature next to the LCD TV, DVD player, CD player, GPS navigation system, collision detection, backup camera, automated-parallel-parking, satellite-hookup black box / Big Brother surveilance system, and so on.

There is already a zero tolerance policy for drunk driving here. Everyone knows that. This is already overkill (how about something a little more reasonable like in the US?) Is inconveniencing every single non-drunk driving person in the country worth it? Is it going to stop the misanthropes who knowingly get behind the wheel while tipsy? How about the research that says driving while talking on a cell phone is worse than driving drunk?” Are we going to have anti-cellphone devices installed in cars too? Speaking of which, that’s one of my pet peeves. Shut the fuck up and drive, asshole. If you’re so important you have to use the cell and drive at the same time, you can afford a goddamn chauffeur.

手相ジジイ / Palm-reading geezer

このあいだ役場で仕事をしていたら、変なおじいさんがやってきて、急に僕の手相を読み始めた。「なんだこのぼけジジイ」と思いながら手のひらを広げられて、「あんたは特に頭がいいわけでも才能があるわけでもないね、生命線も短い」とか言われちゃった。それから酵素がどうのこうのとか、「生ものが体にええわい」とか延々と健康の話を聞かされて、普通に質問に答えたら「しかしあんたの日本語、大したもんだな」とか。お前さっき才能ないって言ったろうが、人の仕事を邪魔して勝手につじつまの合わない変なことほざいてんじゃねえよ（激）

すみません、ちょっとしたストレス解消でした。

久々に、完全にバイリンガルな書き込みにしよう。 Let’s make this a fully bilingual post for once.

I was working at the town hall the other day when a weird old guy came by and started reading my palm. “What’s with this geezer?” I thought as he spread my palm flat. He then informed me that I’m “not particularly smart or skilled,” and my life line is “pretty short.” Then he started going on about enzymes and this and that, and how “raw foods are good for the body,” and when I answered some simple questions he said “Your Japanese is pretty impressive, sonny.” Didn’t you just tell me I’m not smart or skilled? What the hell are you doing interrupting peoples’ work and feeding them this nonsensical bullshit?

Sorry, I just had to relieve some stress there.

Quitting while you’re ahead

My father claims that he’d rather die spectacularly at 60 than deteriorate slowly into even older age. With that deadline looming not so far away now, I’m interested to see if he puts his money where his mouth is.

I bring this up because I was reading a classical Japanese text from the 1330s called 徒然草 (officially “Essays in Idleness” in English according to Wikipedia) today, and chapter 7 deals specifically with this issue.

あだし野の露消ゆる時なく、鳥部山の煙立ち去らでのみ住み果つる習ひならば、いかにもののあはれもなからん。世は定めなきこそいみじけれ。

命あるものを見るに、人ばかり久しきはなし。かげろふの夕べを待ち、夏の蝉の春秋を知らぬもあるぞかし。つくづくと一年を暮すほどだにも、こよなうのどけしや。飽かず、惜しと思はば、千年を過すとも、一夜の夢の心地こそせめ。住み果てぬ世にみにくき姿を待ち得て、何かはせん。命長ければ辱多し。長くとも、四十に足らぬほどにて死なんこそ、めやすかるべけれ。

そのほど過ぎぬれば、かたちを恥づる心もなく、人に出ヰで交らはん事を思ひ、夕べの陽に子孫を愛して、さかゆく末を見んまでの命をあらまし、ひたすら世を貪る心のみ深く、もののあはれも知らずなりゆくなん、あさましき。

My translation, in which I take extreme liberties:

If people didn’t disappear like the morning dew, instead just hanging around in this life like so much LA smog, how tacky that would be. Life’s a bitch, then you die; and that’s the way we likes it.

Of all the creepy crawlies in the world, none seem to live as long as humans do. The mayfly barely gets to see the sun set; a cicada born in summer will bite it before ever seeing spring or fall. Given that, having the luxury of dicking around Europe to “find yourself” for a year is the height of opulence. If you’re not satisfied with your lot, even living 1,000 years would feel about as long as a dream to you. Do you really want to get all old and wrinkly? Being old sucks. At the very oldest, plan to die before 40.

If you break 40, you’ll lose all sense of shame in your appearance, and somehow you’ll think it appropriate to put on airs of being “cool” and “with it” to the younger generation. In your final days you’ll still want to live on, to see how your ungrateful children and grandchildren turn out. Your greed for life in this world will consume you, and you’ll wind up a pathetic old coot with no understanding of propriety or pathos.

一味違った現代語訳もある。

While we’re talking classical literature and whatnot, here’s something I rediscovered recently: The shortest letter in Japanese history.

一筆啓上　火の用心　お仙泣かすな　馬肥やせ

Translation:

Greetings. Be careful of fire. Don’t make Osen (our son) cry. Feed the horses.

This came up in one of my Japanese classes at UW, and for some reason it recently came to mind, but I could only remember the last line. Wikipedia to the rescue!

This letter was written by Shigetsugu Honda in 1575. He sent it to his wife from the front lines of the Battle of Nagashino.

Yes, this kind of thing is horribly interesting to me. Yes, I am a nerd.

最期

昨日の夜遅く、こんな件名の迷惑メールが僕の受信箱に届いた。

Automobile achieved

My car and parking lot

Last week one of my coworkers in the Policy Implementation Division took me driving to test my abilities. In a former life he was a driving instructor or tester or something like that; in short, a pro. I wasn’t sure at first if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Japanese people are loathe to say anything negative, ever. If you can string two words of Japanese together, they will praise you up and down for a good half hour and insist that your Japanese is perfect. This gets really old really fast, but at least it’s relatively harmless. I was worried that this might carry over into piloting motor vehicles, but luckily I was wrong. Mr. Miyamoto was quite frank about how scary it was with me leaving approximately an atomic monolayer between the car and the side of the road when I took left turns.

I quickly got a decent feel for things, though, and they readily handed over the keys to the Internationalizationmobile after just two sessions. It’s not a super posh car, but it’s got a working stereo and can fit two full-sized adults in the rear seat, which is more than I can say for some cars. All I have to pay for is any gas beyond the one tank per month that the yakubizzle shells out for.

You can see my car on the left side of the photo. The local ALT’s car is on the right. Another person in my building parks between us. I took this picture for two reasons:

1. To illustrate how tight parking is, and
2. as evidence against the owner of the grey car, who parked in that spot illegally for months.

Luckily I didn’t need the evidence, as he started parking elsewhere when he realized my car was staying for good. Parking is hotly contested in Japan; in fact, you can’t buy a car without proof that you have a legally-approved parking space already available for it. I don’t have to worry about that, but there may be mysterious and unexplainable scrape marks on the cars around mine from time to time.