世界の果てにも自販機

The loneliest vending machine

日本語を勉強してもう１０年になるんで、今更おどろくことはないだろうけど、こんな世界の果てみたいな殺風景の中に自動販売機が一台ぽかんと置かれているのを見ると、どんなに不思議な気持ちか。

この自販機の場所をちょっと説明しよう。伊方町は佐田岬半島の付け根にある。ちょうどその付け根のところに山脈があって、その山々は半島と四国本土を隔てるような形で連なっている。山を貫通する道路に沿って行くと、保内町という町があって、伊方にはない買い物や遊びがあるので、よく行っている。

しかし、その山を越えるのが面倒なら、また一つ道はある。それは、海岸沿いの裏道。坂を上るよりは楽だろうと思って、ある日この険しい道に挑んでみた。

楽じゃなかった。

どこまでもくねくねと傾斜のまま続く道を、僕の身長に全く合っていない自転車をこいでいくと、山の間のちょっとした谷を抜けて、伊方の側に出てくる。そこで望む景色はまるでSF映画に出てくる架空の惑星みたいだった。目の前に海が広がり、ところどころに小さな島の姿が霧の中にほのかな夕焼けに照らされぼんやり浮かんでいる。閑散とした風景を見渡すかぎり人の気配もなく、忘れられた古代の遺跡を幾千年もの末に再発見した冒険家になった気分だった。まさにこの世の果てまで来てしまった、と思ったその時、

そこに自動販売機があった。

闇にくっきり浮かんだその蛍光灯は文明のしるしとなって、こんなところまで人間の手が届くよと、一見微動もせず自然界に闘いを挑んでいた。山という海に漂流して流れ着いた僕は、筋肉と精神の力を最後の一滴まで絞り出すように一歩いっぽ歩み寄り、脚に力が入らず自販機にもたれかかり、ふるえる手に持った小銭をやっとの思いで一個いっこ入れて三ツ矢サイダーを買ってゴクゴクと飲んだ。冷たいジュースが喉を伝って胃に当たると、生命の力がふたたび湧いてきて僕の体を限りのないエネルギーが巡りはじめ・・・

ちょっとドラマチックにすぎちゃった。申し訳ないっす。

Honai in the mountains

Honai in the mountains

It’s a chore to get off my peninsula and onto the mainland. After wheezing my way up a mountain and through a tunnel, I found this view of the nearby town of Honai.

Honai is actually now a part of Yawatahama. They merged to save on administrative costs, just like practically every small town in Japan. This makes JET placements quite deceiving—you may be placed in “Yawatahama City,” but if that part of the city happens to be the former Honai, then you’re not really in the city at all; at best it’s a nearby suburb with all of the associated difficulties in transportation but without the yuppie feel.

I’m going to rant about TV for a bit now. I’ve complained about TV before on my blog, so let’s get the overlapping content out of the way: News shows.

Yesterday everyone was worried that typhoon 10 was going to hit the area; as a result, my plans to see the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie were canceled. It ended up being a bunch of nothing, as the typhoon swerved west into Kyūshū instead.

This morning I was watching the news when they switched to a weather update on the typhoon. You’d think they’d have some fancy on-screen graphics with nice, colorful icons and animations showing a map of Japan with an overlay of the typhoon and its course. Or, failing that, large, bright, crisp LCD displays showing the same. What did they show? Some guy’s PC monitor with Internet Explorer displaying an ugly version of weatherchannel.com. To illustrate his description of the weather, he clicked around, going from page to page. You are on TV telling us about the weather. We can assume, therefore, that you are a weather professional. At the very least, please maintain such an appearance.

Other things that enraged me: A news report about the recent popularity of completely unnecessary cosmetic surgery for kids. They didn’t say it in so many words, but basically 90% of the kids are forced into it by their idiotic, self-serving parents. They did mention that a strong trend in this is divorcees who want to make their child look less like their former spouse. I wanted to vomit, then throw the vomit in the face of the woman they interviewed who forced her perfectly acceptable-looking son to get a ridiculous operation to make his eyes look more Western.

There was something else too, but I forgot it.

My job is looking up—One of my superiors actually seems interested in having me translate the town website, so I’m slowly plodding through that. I’ve discovered that most of the people in my office are quite skilled in just looking busy, and any excuse I can find to talk to them is welcomed by a half hour of chitchat. Oh, the joys of government bureaucracy.

Minatoura Bay at night ＋詩

Minatoura Bay at night

I set myself up a Flickr account and ever. so. s-l-o-w-l-y uploaded a couple pictures.

This is a particularly poor picture, I know, but it was one of the first I took, so I feel that I should properly present it first.

My town is on a long, snaking peninsula. There are bays and inlets abound, and I live at the lip of one. I was extremely bored one night, so I took a ride around town on my brand new bike, well after all the shops were closed and the people asleep (or just at home watching TV).

The bay at night is quite a sight to behold. It cuts fairly deep into the peninsula, so you don’t actually see the open ocean; from most angles, the bay looks completely surrounded by mountains, more like a lake than anything else. This night the mountains were shrouded by mist, the moon was out and bright and almost full; the whole scene had a kind of majesty that is best appreciated after living in Tokyo for a year.

I tried to take a picture, but my phone just wasn’t up to it. No amount of finagling could wring more than a few points of light from the inky sky.

The good news is that such a picture compresses quite well, and was quick to upload.

佐田岬半島にある湊浦という地域の港景色。夜景がとても綺麗で、携帯で写真を撮ろうとしたらまったく写らなかった。そこで詠んでみた、

月てらす夜のみなとうら影あおしナイトモードでもケイタイ写らず

初陣

昨日、皿洗いをしてたら、流し台になんと、一匹の小さなムカデが出現してしまった。初めての遭遇で思わず「Oh god holy fuck shit」等の連発がしばらく続いた。落ち着いて状況を把握したら、お湯を蛇口から流し始め、はしか何かで鍋の後ろに隠れたムカデを流しの網までおびき出して、たっぷりお湯をかけた。数十秒くらいもがいたあと、動きを止めたので死んだかと思ったら、はしでつかんでみるとピクッとまた動くのでまたお湯をぶっかける。今度は完全に殺されてしまっていた。

そう、殺されてしまっていた。「死んでいた」という言い方はできなくはないけれど、僕の心に、いや、全身の肉体にも魂にさえも宿っていた、押さえきれない殺意は、「死んでいた」では伝わらないので、「殺されてしまっていた」としよう。「極端な偏見をもって」というフレーズが思い浮かぶ。

今日もいつもどおりのつまらない仕事かと思ったら、昨日アメリカから帰ってきた広報担当者が、取材に誘ってくれた。佐田岬半島のてっぺん近くにムーンビーチという砂浜があって、そこに三崎保育所の子供たちが遊びに行っていた。着いた瞬間に「英語人だ!!!」と叫び、駆けつけて寄ってきた。みんな怖がらずに積極的に質問したり、肌や髪の毛に触ったり、「英語できんの？何かしゃべって！」と可愛く要求したりして、一緒に40分くらい楽しく遊んだ。引っ張りだこみたいにあっちこっち話しかけられたのをひとつにまとめるとこんな感じだった。

Fun in the sun with preschoolers

子供たち

英語人だ！

僕

こんにちは！　僕はアーロンです！　でも英語人じゃなくてアメリカ人だよ

子供たち

アメリカ？え？

僕

アメリカは遠いところだよ。飛行機に乗って飛んできた

子供たち

ウルトラマン知ってる？

僕

ウルトラマン知ってるよ。実は、僕とウルトラマンは幼なじみだよ。ウルトラマンはね、結婚して今アメリカに住んでるよ。

子供たち

へえええ　何歳なの？

僕

何歳に見える？

子供たち

んんと　５８歳

わし

ははは　惜しい！まだ２２だよ

子供たち

あたしバスで来たの。アメリカまでバスで行くよ

わし

そんなバス乗ってみたいな

とにかく、楽しかった。

午後にオフィスに帰ったら、係長が自転車を買いに連れて行ってくれるというので、再び遠足に。

国際交流事業報告書

日時：　平成１８年８月１１日（金）　PM 1:45～PM 3:08

場所：　ダイキ　（通称「DiK」）　八幡浜店

目的：　自転車の購入

内容：　国際交流係長の自動車に乗せてもらい、自転車を買いに行ってきました。

感想・意見：　係長は年輩の方できつい方言をしゃべり、そのうえ入れ歯をされており、彼の発する言葉の９９％は理解できません。しかし、それにもかかわらず目的は達成できました。

その他：　なし

Dancin’ fool

I got some good comments on the last article, so I’ll give you another in English.

Yesterday the ALT living below me took me to a Bon festival dance practice session. The Bon festival is a big summer deal in Japan, originally having to do with ancestors and filial piety and all that jazz. In reality it’s more of an excuse for everyone to get rowdy and drunk early in the morning.

Like so much of Japanese life, the festival demands clearly defined gender roles. Women dance and cook. Men get drunk and pretend to enjoy carrying heavy decorative floats. That’s the way it always has been and always will be; the natural state of the things, the circle of life, the nitrogen cycle, or the maybe even the Carnot engine. You know, one of those touchy-feely things that involve the placenta.

I pulled a gender bender last night, going to practice traditional Bon dances with the local troupe of quinquagenarian housewives. We pranced around in a circle, them moving with the grace and fluidity of decades of experience, me helplessly flailing my limbs in a poor attempt to mimic them. Needless to say, I had a monopoly on Y chromosomes in the room.

Earlier in the day I played hookey after lunch and got my friend to take me to buy a cell phone. I felt naked without a phone, but once I got it I realized I don’t really have anyone to talk to on it. It does have a pretty good camera built-in (3 megapixels), so as soon as I figure out how to transfer the photos to my POS work computer, you can all partake in the eyecandy.

In other good news, I got confirmation that my internet will be ready to go next Saturday. Despite this being the middle of nowhere, it will actually be faster than my parents’ connection in Minneapolis.

After work I’m going with my ALT friend to the nearby town of Uwa for some kaiten zushi. You may recall my previous pontifications on that particular piece of popular prandial perfection. Suffice it to say that kaiten zushi is without a doubt the best food on earth, and I would literally strangle any number of babies if it meant I would get a chance to eat it.

I can’t believe it’s not golf

Quick recap of the last few days:

On Saturday my boss took me to the next largest town, Yawatahama, to buy a bicycle. After checking out two stores, we realized that there was no way the bike would fit in her car. We gave up, and then went to her house for dinner. It was a simple Japanese home-style meal much in line with the “less is more” aesthetic: Fried tofu, pickled(?) lotus root, and tomatoes topped with chirimen, which is tiny little dried sardines. When I mentioned how surprised I was to find crabs in the rivers that run through town, her father excitedly led me outside, flashlight in hand, and showed me the nocturnal shrimp that also live in the river.

On Sunday, a 3rd year ALT from the next town down the peninsula drove over and took me to the Seto area Bridal Festival. There were a number of events going on: Kids running around a pool trying to catch fish with their bare hands; an outdoor BBQ that cost way too much ($25); a bridal fashion show; and in the evening, fireworks.

Last night, my boss’s father took me to play something I guarantee you’ve never heard of: Short Putt Golf.

Quick Japanese lesson: Golf is golf. “Putter golf” is mini golf. “Short putt golf” is yet another thing entirely, although if you really think about it, “Short putt golf” is more like miniature golf than mini golf is.

Now that you’re confused, here’s the deal: Take an ordinary golf ball. Then take a badminton shuttlecock. Have them go on a romantic dinner and then make sweet love. 9 months later, what you get is a Short Putt Golf ball: A golf ball with shuttlecock feathers.

The point of adding feathers is that the ball doesn’t travel nearly as far, and makes a quick drop near the end of its flight. Instead of multi-hundred yard courses, you use maybe 25-50 yard courses, and the goal is to get the ball into a net shaped like an upright-turned umbrella.

The rationale for this is that Japan has precious little land to waste on golf courses, so real golf costs upwards of $100 per round. With Short Putt Golf you can play with limited space, such as on a baseball diamond. Since the “holes” aren’t fixed in the ground, it’s also portable.

Now, in America, golf is for old, rich, white folks. In Japan, there are no white people (except me). And we’ve established that Short Putt Golf is not for rich people. So that leaves “old,” and boy howdy, let me tell you… I think the average age last night was pushing 60. They were all very nice, though, and were practically falling over themselves to give me advice on my swing. Of course it didn’t help that I completely whiffed my first three attempts.

Some of you may be wondering why there seems to be a 1:2 ratio of English to Japanese articles lately. The reason is that you English speakers leave lame comments. Be more interesting.

花嫁まつり

正式に言えば、仕事は３分前に終わったんだけど、忘れないうちに週末の出来事を書いとこう。（これ、残業になるかな？なるわけないか・・・）

土曜日は上司のRさんと一緒に自転車を買いに行く予定だったけど、彼女はその日、日直だったのを忘れたらしい。けっきょく午前中、洗濯をして、まずいチャーハンを作って、村上春樹の『アフターダーク』の続きを読んだ。

５時になったらRさんから電話がかかってきて、やっと外出が決まった。伊方の隣に八幡浜という、大きくもないけど伊方よりは大きな町があって、そこにある店を２軒まわったところで、自転車を買ってもRさんの車の中には入りっこないことに気づく。また今度ということだ。

夕飯はRさんの実家に。とても親切なご両親で、小川にカニがいてびっくりしたという話をしたら、お父さんははしゃいで懐中電灯を取り出し、さっそく外に探検に連れて行ってくれた。またびっくりするほどの大きさのカニやエビを見つけて、昔、水道ないけん、これ、生活用水やったわい、と熱弁してくれた。

日曜日の朝から晩まで、旧・瀬戸町で花嫁まつりというのが開催された。瀬戸中学校でALTを務めているJさんが車で迎えてくれて、奥さんの手料理をごちそうになった。暑い真昼の日差しの中でかき氷を食べながら公園を歩いて、近所の子供達がプールの中で魚を手で捕まえようとするのを見た。

午後にはブライダルショーが開かれた。普段は別に興味ないけど、上司のRさんが貸衣装を着てショーに出るということになっていたので見逃すわけには行かない。華麗な真っ赤なドレスを着こなし、とても綺麗だった。

日が暮れたら花火大会が始まった。ぐっと近くで見れて、田舎のわりにかなり豪華な花火ショーだった。

１０時にアパートに帰って、明日の弁当を作らんと、と思いきや知らないうちにベッドで爆睡。ザ・エンド。

自動車の必要性

週末までの経緯を、友人に送ったメールを引用して報告します。

返事が大変遅くなってすみません。東京に着いたらメールしようと思ったのですが、時差ぼけがあまりにも激しく、半睡状態で３日間が目まぐるしく過ぎ去ってしまいました。

おととい伊方に着いて、予定外ではあったけれども幸いにも前任者に会えて、アパートまで案内してもらいました。メールで教えてもらったとおり、一人にはもったいないほど広い２ＬＫです。きのう正式に仕事を始めたのですが、いろんな手続きが必要で、書類を書いてばかりの一日でした。今日は書類は一段落したみたいだけれど、仕事はと言うと今のところまったく何も頼まれず、暇を持て余しています。学校は休みなので小学校訪問はなし、広報の担当者は休暇を取っていて記事を書こうにも書けません。まあ、ある意味ではいいことかもしれませんが。

それは金曜日の午前中のことだった。

またアパートの話だけど、場所は伊方中学校のすぐ後ろ、職員住宅なので、住んでいるのは先生が二人、ＪＥＴが僕を含めて二人。もう一人のＪＥＴは伊方中で英語を教えているAさんである。Ａさんは今年でもう３年目になるので、この地域にかなり詳しくて、いろいろ助けてくれている。

金曜日の夕方、Ａさんに車に乗せてもらって、愛媛南部のＪＥＴがいっぱい集まるパーティーに連れて行ってもらった。みんなでワイワイ騒ぎ、楽しいひとときを過ごしたけれど、時差ぼけのせいか、僕はビールを３杯だけ飲んで、急に眠くなってしまった。週末の間九州を旅するというＡさん、早めに就寝せねばと二次会を断ったので、僕と、半島のてっぺんの旧・三崎町に赴任している新人のＡ２さんがまたＡさんの車に。外が真っ暗で何も見えなかったというのはあると思うけど、それほど長くもないと勘違いしていた半島は地球の果てまで続くんじゃないかと、どきっとした。

アパートに帰って速攻でベッドに。意識を夢の領域に放り投げる直前、ふと思った、「この土地は車がないと生きていけないだろう・・・」

Settling in

日本語の要約：成田に着いてから伊方へ出向いた翌日までの経緯。そのうち和訳も載せる予定。

When we last joined our hero, he was suffering through the Chicago pre-departure orientation. Little did he know (actually, he did know; it was on the schedule) that the coming days would be even more trying yet.

Having greatly enjoyed the privilege of paying to fly from Minneapolis to Chicago, I then was lucky enough to fly back through Minneapolis on my way to Tokyo. I had so much fun standing around, waiting 2 hours to check in, then waiting 2 hours for my plane, then waiting again on numerous other occasions, that the pilot of Northwest flight 19 to Narita decided to do me a favor and announce that the plane does not have enough fuel to make it to Narita; we had to stop in Hokkaido for 2 hours to refuel, and as a bonus they didn’t serve us breakfast. It was a win-win situation. Oh wait, no, it was the opposite of that.

We arrived at Narita at 7 PM. I got to my room at the hotel at 12 AM. What happened during those 5 hours I will leave to the reader’s imagination. (Hint: It wasn’t eating, sleeping, or having fun of any sort.)

The Keio Plaza Hotel is nice. It’s an exact replica of every other rich person’s power-tie board meeting fairyland business dollhouse / insular yuppie eco-dome in the world. Government-established mega-bureaucracies were the children; we were their dolls, err, I mean “lifelike humanoid playthings.” We played our parts by attending presentations that ranged from coma-inducing to somewhat-interesting-but-completely-unhelpful, such as “How to survive rural Japan.”

Yesterday I hopped on a plane and made my way to Shikoku, the smallest island (right testicle) of Japan. My boss, her boss, and her vice-boss were there to greet me. They’re all very nice, although I can’t understand about 80% of what my vice-boss-boss says. It was a whirlwind day of meeting dignitaries, getting into my apartment, and so much yakiniku that I felt pretty sick later.

My apartment is quite kick-ass. It’s got a separate kitchen, three rooms, and came completely furnished. My predecessor left me so much stuff I don’t know what to do with it. Thanks, Josh!

Today has been yet another whirlwind, this time signing form after form after form. Japanese people like forms. At my office for some reason mine is the only computer that connects to the internet via ISDN (8-10 KB/s average speed), but I’m looking at getting internet in my apartment too. The downside: It will probably cost at least $200 in setup fees.

Fiscal diarrhea

日本語の要約： 卒業してからずっと実家で退屈していたら、やっぱりお金をついつい使いすぎちゃった。いつものアイスコーヒーやら中古の CD やらはともかく、新しい仕事に備えてのお土産とかでも足が出た。会ったこともない人たちにお土産をあげるってのはなんだか賄賂っぽくない？

A summer at home with nothing to do results in an economic phenomenon I like to call “fiscal diarrhea:” There’s nothing to do but spend money.

Of course I tried (although not very hard) to get a job for the summer. I was this →| |← close to being a barrista at Starbucks, but the mechanically chipper woman on the phone did an about-face when I mentioned I’d be leaving the country in August. Apparently they don’t let their barristas telecommute. How 1990s.

So with nothing to do but spend money, I’ve found my days filled with an overabundance of iced coffees, low-fat raspberry nut scones, used CDs, and the occasional moving violation or two. And yet it gets worse.

The tradition of お土産, literally “local product,” is a long and rich one. Basically when you go somewhere cool for vacation, you bring back local delicacies for your boss and coworkers. Somehow that also covers bringing what amounts to a bribe to your boss and coworkers you haven’t even met yet when starting a new job. Or at least that’s what all us JETs are supposed to do. So, striving to be the best faceless worker lemming and mindless American consumer I can be, I did my duty: I shopped ’til I dropped.

What I got for…

my boss:

bottle of Minnesota whiskey (yes, such a thing exists!) with cutesy Minnesota-themed shot glass

the mayor:

bottle of Minnesota vodka with cutesy Minnesota-themed shot glass

some other bigwig guy:

bottle of imported gin (Minnesota gin sucks, apparently) with cutesy Minnesota-themed shot glass

my coworkers:

box of assorted chocolates, made by Minnesota company

each of the 6 schools in the area:

same as above

The total damage: about $200.

Now for my big announcement! I know for a fact that Apple will release updated iPod nanos in the next few days. Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, amake? you might ask. I know this because I am about to buy an iPod nano, and that can only mean that updates are imminent.

To determine the exact date of release, just take the date I purchased the nano (probably today) and add the number of days in which Apple will allow items to be returned without a restocking fee, plus one.