I can’t believe it’s not golf

Quick recap of the last few days:

On Saturday my boss took me to the next largest town, Yawatahama, to buy a bicycle. After checking out two stores, we realized that there was no way the bike would fit in her car. We gave up, and then went to her house for dinner. It was a simple Japanese home-style meal much in line with the “less is more” aesthetic: Fried tofu, pickled(?) lotus root, and tomatoes topped with chirimen, which is tiny little dried sardines. When I mentioned how surprised I was to find crabs in the rivers that run through town, her father excitedly led me outside, flashlight in hand, and showed me the nocturnal shrimp that also live in the river.

On Sunday, a 3rd year ALT from the next town down the peninsula drove over and took me to the Seto area Bridal Festival. There were a number of events going on: Kids running around a pool trying to catch fish with their bare hands; an outdoor BBQ that cost way too much ($25); a bridal fashion show; and in the evening, fireworks.

Last night, my boss’s father took me to play something I guarantee you’ve never heard of: Short Putt Golf.

Quick Japanese lesson: Golf is golf. “Putter golf” is mini golf. “Short putt golf” is yet another thing entirely, although if you really think about it, “Short putt golf” is more like miniature golf than mini golf is.

Now that you’re confused, here’s the deal: Take an ordinary golf ball. Then take a badminton shuttlecock. Have them go on a romantic dinner and then make sweet love. 9 months later, what you get is a Short Putt Golf ball: A golf ball with shuttlecock feathers.

The point of adding feathers is that the ball doesn’t travel nearly as far, and makes a quick drop near the end of its flight. Instead of multi-hundred yard courses, you use maybe 25-50 yard courses, and the goal is to get the ball into a net shaped like an upright-turned umbrella.

The rationale for this is that Japan has precious little land to waste on golf courses, so real golf costs upwards of $100 per round. With Short Putt Golf you can play with limited space, such as on a baseball diamond. Since the “holes” aren’t fixed in the ground, it’s also portable.

Now, in America, golf is for old, rich, white folks. In Japan, there are no white people (except me). And we’ve established that Short Putt Golf is not for rich people. So that leaves “old,” and boy howdy, let me tell you… I think the average age last night was pushing 60. They were all very nice, though, and were practically falling over themselves to give me advice on my swing. Of course it didn’t help that I completely whiffed my first three attempts.

Some of you may be wondering why there seems to be a 1:2 ratio of English to Japanese articles lately. The reason is that you English speakers leave lame comments. Be more interesting.

花嫁まつり

正式に言えば、仕事は３分前に終わったんだけど、忘れないうちに週末の出来事を書いとこう。（これ、残業になるかな？なるわけないか・・・）

土曜日は上司のRさんと一緒に自転車を買いに行く予定だったけど、彼女はその日、日直だったのを忘れたらしい。けっきょく午前中、洗濯をして、まずいチャーハンを作って、村上春樹の『アフターダーク』の続きを読んだ。

５時になったらRさんから電話がかかってきて、やっと外出が決まった。伊方の隣に八幡浜という、大きくもないけど伊方よりは大きな町があって、そこにある店を２軒まわったところで、自転車を買ってもRさんの車の中には入りっこないことに気づく。また今度ということだ。

夕飯はRさんの実家に。とても親切なご両親で、小川にカニがいてびっくりしたという話をしたら、お父さんははしゃいで懐中電灯を取り出し、さっそく外に探検に連れて行ってくれた。またびっくりするほどの大きさのカニやエビを見つけて、昔、水道ないけん、これ、生活用水やったわい、と熱弁してくれた。

日曜日の朝から晩まで、旧・瀬戸町で花嫁まつりというのが開催された。瀬戸中学校でALTを務めているJさんが車で迎えてくれて、奥さんの手料理をごちそうになった。暑い真昼の日差しの中でかき氷を食べながら公園を歩いて、近所の子供達がプールの中で魚を手で捕まえようとするのを見た。

午後にはブライダルショーが開かれた。普段は別に興味ないけど、上司のRさんが貸衣装を着てショーに出るということになっていたので見逃すわけには行かない。華麗な真っ赤なドレスを着こなし、とても綺麗だった。

日が暮れたら花火大会が始まった。ぐっと近くで見れて、田舎のわりにかなり豪華な花火ショーだった。

１０時にアパートに帰って、明日の弁当を作らんと、と思いきや知らないうちにベッドで爆睡。ザ・エンド。

Hobo-tastic Journey: Final chapter

Finally the day was Sunday, the day of the event I had come all this way to see: J’s wedding. I had to abandon my plan of wearing one of those t-shirts with a picture of a tux on it at the behest of the bride. Instead, I dusted off my fancy business suit for the occassion, yet again forgetting to bring dress socks. Luckily this was a wedding (with open bar), not a job interview.

Sunday

9:00 AM

Wake up at R’s house. Use the shower, vainly attempting to navigate the veritable labyrinth of body- and hair-care products.

10:00 AM

Breakfast of cereal and fruit. The first decent breakfast I had since leaving Minneapolis.

11:00 AM

Demonstrate the magic that is Google Earth while fending off the attacks of little children.

12:00 PM

Lunch on cod roe (たらこ tarako) spaghetti, making the third full meal I mooched from R and family （本当にすみませんでした！）

1:20 PM

Tearful goodbyes as I left for the wedding.

1:30 PM

Park in paid lot. Will this be the end of my penny-pinching streak?! Read on to find out…

2:00 PM

Wander the halls of Memorial Union searching for the groom’s party.

2:30 PM

Interminable picture taking.

3:00 PM

Ceremony begins and ends with great efficiency. True physicists at heart, they had a judge instead of a priest.

3:30 PM

Open bar begins.

4:00 PM

Food served. This was my fifth free meal for the trip.

5:30 PM

Drafted into the role of “cameraman’s apprentice” for a whole damn hour. I held his infrared-sensing portable flash thingy that didn’t actually go off most of the time.

6:30 PM

Danced like an idiot for hours to the likes of “Jump Around,” “Without Me,” and the wedding-essential “Apache.”

Monday

12:00 AM

Hauled presents to cars, then stumbled back to my car. Noticed cops standing around the parking lot entrance, probably enforcing the after-hours unmanned payment system. I decide to leave the car where it is and take a nap.

4:00 AM

Wake up, leave unattended lot without paying (ha! Take that, Wisconsin!). Drive to Eagle Heights, park in a residential lot and go back to sleep.

9:00 AM

Wake up, drive to the SERF. Pay $0.40 for metered parking. Shower.

9:30 AM

Raw ramen for breakfast. Clip my nails on the sidewalk.

10:00 AM

Leave Madison for Red Wing, MN, where I have a sister city meeting to attend in the evening. I only vaguely remember how to get there, and my computer’s battery is dead so I can’t look it up. I decide to trust my instincts.

12:30 PM

I correctly choose I90 West over I94, but can’t recall the next turn off. I stop at some random god forsaken village’s McDonalds and find that I’m probably only 40 or so miles from the Minnesota border. Having earlier calculated a fuel efficiency of 32 MPG for my car, I figure I’ll have just enough gas to make it to Minnesota.

1:00 PM

I cross the border with the fuel indicator on “E.” There’s gotta be another town with gas soon after La Crosse, right…?

1:15 PM

Wrong. I take the next turn off and find nothing but farmhouses and a Bobcat dealership. I ask the only people around where the nearest gas station is, but it turns out they’re clueless tourists from New York. With my fuel indicator now pointing below “E” I suppress my sense of impending doom and get back on the highway…

1:30 PM

…but it’s the wrong highway. By the time I realize it, I figure it’s too late to turn back. I have to push on and find gas, with the indicator somehow indicating a negative amount, but billboards tell me the closest sign of civilization is 12 miles away. Do I have 3/8 of a gallon left?

1:45 PM

I do! I make it to Wabasha, MN, home of the movie “Grumpy Old Men,” and buy $10 worth of gas. at $2.96 per gallon, that should be enough to get me another 90 miles, which should easily take me to Red Wing. Luckily enough, the gas station attendant says I’m on the right highway, and all I have to do is follow it north for a while. Huzzah!

2:30 PM

Arrive safely in Red Wing. Try to get suit dry cleaned for meeting, but they don’t have same-day service. Damn.

3:00 PM

Find free parking and public library. Revive computer and blog.

5:15 PM

Attend Red Wing Sister City Commission meeting. Pretend to get jokes told by boisterous old man.

6:30 PM

Drive back to Minneapolis through rolling hills and fields of corn.

7:45 PM

Arrive in Minneapolis.

So I made it back home having spent only $2.76 within the state of Wisconsin, and with overall expenditures less than $30. Pretty good, I’d say.

Hobo-tastic Journey, part 2

I have successfully avoided spending any more money in Wisconsin so far. In fact, cash-wise I’m actually ahead of the game–I managed to collect on some gas money owed to me under the “Gas, grass, or ass” policy I implemented concerning my car and the use thereof by persons other than me.

Saturday

9:30 AM

Wake up. Ramen for breakfast.

9:45 AM

Commiserate with friend’s roommate who also got ticketed coming to Madison. She was only doing 81; I win by 1 point.

10:00 AM

Wash dishes in exchange for free lodging.

11:20 AM

Waste time at Union South. Blog.

12:30 PM

Odors too musky again. Shower at the SERF.

1:30 PM

Waste time at Memorial Union. Blog. Realize my life is incredibly boring.

4:00 PM

Pick up M and go to R’s house for going-away party. Revert to child-like state of gleeful innocence playing with the little kids.

6:00 PM

Feast on fried pork cutlet (トンカツ tonkatsu), Japanese pancakes (お好み焼き okonomiyaki), some sort of Chinese dish, and etc. Enjoy scintillating conversation about the health benefits of citrus fruit.

11:00 PM

Drive M home. Return to R’s house to break out sleeping bag and crash on floor.

Hobo-tastic Journey

I drove from Minneapolis down to Madison yesterday, as I am sometimes wont to do, and as usual it was a mind-numbingly boring drive. Nothing screams “Wisconsin” like faceless prairie stretching as far as the eye can see.

When my mom does the drive it takes about 6 hours. When I drive it takes about 4, and this time I was punished for my expedience. A cop lurking in one of those obnoxious speed trap enclaves caught me going 82 MPH in a 65 zone, and gave me my first speeding ticket ever: $236.40. Ouch.

Therefore, to show my penitence to the great state of Wisconsin, I have decided that I will spend as little money as possible while here. So far I have spent:

• McDonald’s coffee (medium): $0.98
• 8 packs of Maruchan instant ramen: $1.38

Thus begins my Hobo-tastic Journey.

Here’s a rundown of the events so far:

Thursday

11:30-ish AM

Depart Minneapolis

1:33 PM

Ticketed by Officer W of Hixton, WI: “SPEEDING ON FREEWAY (16-19 MPH)”

4:00-ish PM

Arrive in Madison. Make a beeline to Copps to purchase ramen.

4:20-ish PM

Ditch car in University Houses area “visitor” parking space to avoid campus parking fees. Walk 2.5 miles to campus.

6:00-ish PM

Meet up with friend whose wedding I came to Madison to attend. Crash at his place.

6:30-ish PM

Ramen for dinner.

7:00-ish PM to 2:00-ish AM

Friend has an embarrassment of riches in the form of strawberry pies. We partake. And it was good.

Friday

8:00 AM

Wake up. Ramen for breakfast.

8:20 AM

Friend treats me to coffee at Einstein Bros. Bagels.

9:00 AM

Waste time at Union South.

10:30 AM

Musky odors become overpowering. Shower at the SERF, where my student ID inexplicably still works despite having graduated months ago. Dry self, shivering, with wall-mounted hair drier due to lack of towel.

11:30 AM

Relocate to Memorial Union so as to have better access to free water. Blog.

12:20 PM

Lunch on raw ramen noodles. Surprisingly tasty.

5:00 PM

Japanese conversation group. Apparently everyone thought I was either dead, or in Japan already.

6:30 PM

Tacos + movie at another friend’s house. Saw a Lupin the 3rd (ルパン三世) movie for the first time.

12:00 PM

Crash at yet another friend’s house. Watch a special theme episode of Walker: Texas Ranger in which Chuck Norris’s 19th century alter-ego battles his arch enemy’s 19th century alter-ego in parallel to their modern selves. Disappointingly, there were no roundhouse kicks.

More updates as the story unfolds.