A Wonderful Business Proposition For You Today

I took a look at some of the spam I’ve been getting recently, and inside one I found this little gem:

soak leap! of wood-paneled cardiologist phial disobey the rules jerky
homesickflow chart poetic into financial threaten phonetic dimly,as fas
as…is concerned in public ultimate exceptionally agenda mankind rose
sociology tearful home-grown talent heart attack oxygen fall off job make a
record, fierce stimulant crust

Wow, how could I resist!? Please, take my money right now!

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アメリカンジョーク

I wanted to get this text file off my desktop, but I didn’t know where to put it, so I’m sharing it with the world.

I forget which article exactly, but a comment on Slashdot had the following physics joke:

A rich oil-baron hires a veterinarian, a statistician and a physicist to develop a method for predicting the outcome of a horse race. The three scientists disappear for a week and each returns with a different method; The vet states “I have studied the form, health and blood-lines of all the horses for the next race and can confidently say that number 7 is the best of the lot. Whether he wins on the day, is another question”. The Statistician boasts “I have studied the race histories of all the horses in the next race and all the races ran on this track and can definitely say that horse number 3 has a 85% chance of coming in the top 3″. The physicist then strides up to the baron and boldly proclaims “I have developed a way to predict the outcome of any race with 100% accuracy! First, one assumes that the horses are perfectly spherical and moving through a vacuum…”

Yep, that pretty accurately describes the two years of physics classes I’ve taken so far. The way it goes is, first you learn something. Then you learn that it doesn’t accurately represent the real world because of all the simplifying assumptions you made. Then you learn that the real answer is either impossible to calculate or nearly so. And yet we have amazing things like this here intarweb. Fantabulous.

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Thanks, Henri

I have to give a quick shout out to Henri, the man from the Netherlands. We got your package today. Thank you for the goodies. The waffle things were delicious; all of the candy, on the other hand, was absolute garbage. What is wrong with you people?

Seriously, though, you’re a gentleman and a scholar. The Azetaka-sans were also quite pleased to hear from you. I overheard the wife exclaiming how much she loves cheese.

Love from the Sunrise Massive. Keep it real; peace out.

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More on China

Like I said before, I know a lot more about Japan than China. Japan is known for being very efficient. One quick exception: Whenever the government gets its hands on a single yen, it immediately starts tearing up perfectly good roads and “repairing” them. That doesn’t quite meet my definition of “efficient.” However, there’s no denying that they make efficient cars, mass produce goods in efficient factories, and have a rock-solid efficient and reliable train system.

China, on the other hand, is very much chaotic. I’ve speculated up about a million possible reasons for this, including the following: The government doesn’t create or enforce laws for a lot of “frills” because it doesn’t care; the rapid growth of the Chinese economy has created a lot of change that hasn’t been “refined” to be user-friendly yet; nobody cares because that’s just how Chinese people like it… The list goes on. Let me give a few examples to make it more clear what I’m talking about.

In a department store in the West (or in Japan, or any other first-world country), you

1. take goods off the shelf,
2. take them to the cashier,
3. pay for them,
4. and leave.

In a Chinese department store you

1. take goods off the shelf and
2. give them to a guy at a desk.
3. The guy writes out a receipt and gives you two carbon copies, which
4. you take to the nearest cashier,
5. and then pay.
6. The cashier stamps one of the carbon copies and gives it back to you.
7. You take the carbon copy back to the first guy,
8. who gives you your stuff,
9. and then you leave.

The only reason for this that I could think of is that China is supposedly still communist, and this way they can employ twice as many people doing the same job. A guy from 上海 I talked to, however, said that it may be to prevent the cashiers from stealing from the registers by creating a longer paper trail. Another friend suggested that it somehow deters shoplifters. My first reaction upon seeing this system, though, was that in the West the guy at the desk would have been downsized years ago. It’s just not efficient; it wastes the customer’s time and the company’s resources. I wonder if some stores may be forced to change when the whole world converges on China for the 2008 Olympics.

Another example: 北京 has a fairly small set of subway lines. In order to buy a ticket, you have to talk to someone in a booth. When you go down to the platform, you hand your ticket to a person in another booth about five feet away from the first one. This person rips the ticket and keeps it (in Japan you need your ticket to get out, but not in China). For some reason, the ticket system consists solely of having customers move pieces of paper from one booth to the other. There is no 自動改札, there are no ticket vending machines, and they have no way of knowing which line you ride, even though the prices are different. My guess is they’ll probably have an improved system in place before the Olympics, but who knows?

A friend of mine accused me of having nothing good to say about China. I apologize for coming off as too critical. I had a great time in China, and I highly recommend anyone to go at least once. I’ll try to put up a post later detailing the good things I noticed.

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About China

With some urging from a friend of mine, I will continue to write about my trip to China. First, though, I have to apologize.

I am white. I know a lot about Japan. I know very little about China, except that it is geographically close to Japan. As such, when I went to China, the preceding facts dictated that I should subconsciously expect China to be similar to Japan. That is a very bad thing. I’m sorry.

I hate to do this, but I’ll be completely honest and frame this post in the way that I was subconsciously thinking the whole time: China vs. Japan. Here is Item Number One in the differences I noticed between China and Japan:

China is dirty. In fact, China is filthy. While I try to maintain a neutral attitude towards most things (it’s different, not bad), this one put me off a bit. 北京, being a big city, was relatively ok in terms of cleanliness, though the subways were much dirtier than I expected. But 西安, especially the area I was staying in, looked like a war zone. Buildings, walls, streets were crumbling left and right. People spit and litter everywhere. The sidewalks were coated with a thick layer of dirt. My ヨン様 scarf started out white and blue, but ended up grey and blue. My shoes are still discolored with the fine dust of the city. I was strongly warned by my friend not to drink my Coke from the can, as even the cans are filthy. In the grocery stores, pretty much all of the beverage cans were severely dented at best. Many roads are “under construction,” which means that they are, and for the forseeable future will be, little but rubble.

The buildings in the suburbs of 西安 are all in a state of severe disrepair. For instance, my friend’s grandfather’s apartment building still has graffiti on it from 20 years ago. But the apartment itself is quite well maintained. Here’s what I gathered about the situation: The buildings are owned by the state, not individuals or private corporations. The state doesn’t care to fix anything up, so things steadily decay over time. If this was Japan or America, property values would drop and people would get pissed, so repairs would be made and the problem would be rectified. But not in China. So they have filthy apartment buildings housing quite posh apartments. Now apply the same process to everything in the city, and you have 西安.

Here’s a half-similarity between Japan and China: The prevalence of pit toilets. Yes, that’s a toilet that is little more than a porcelain hole in the floor. In Japan, 90% of the time you can find a Western-style toilet amongst the pits. But in China, you’re stuck with the “squatters,” as I affectionately nicknamed them. Also, Chinese bathrooms are B.Y.O.T.P. You can imagine how much fun I had being sick with 拉肚子 in the PRC. On the other hand, my friend made a very good point: You wouldn’t want to use a Western-style toilet in a country like China. That is my 公案 for you today.

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Visit to the PRC

I recently visited the Peoples’ Republic of China, but I’ve been busy lately so I only just got around to posting pictures. It was amazing. I have so much to write about, I’ll have to split everything into several entries.

Here’s a quick run-down of the highlights of my trip:

• Ate 狗肉
• Got sick
• Got camera stolen
• Ate 糖葫芦
• Ate 甘蔗
• Rode 蹦蹦
• Saw 兵马俑
• Climbed 长城
• Ate pidgeons
• Got ripped off for being a 老外
• 别人常常看我好久
• Ate 火锅
• Ate 蝎子

Here’s what I wrote on the first day. I gave up writing every day, so after this I’ll have to rely on my memory.

Yahoo! told me that it would take 2 hours to get to 成田 by taking the 都営浅草線京成線直通. It took 3. I arrived just in time to get on the plane before the boarding cutoff. On the plane I had the chicken noodle dish, along with a nice conversation with a young woman who treated me to her single-serving philosophy on life. I’ve been hearing for months from my friend that Chinese people hate Japan so much, but the first ads I saw after landing in 北京 were for 日立 and 朝日啤酒. Then on the way to customs I saw ads for Nestle and 可口可乐, and later we passed 麦当劳 and at least two 必胜客. Also unavoidable is 肯德基.

I’m staying at a five-star hotel, but some of the amenities are more like a concentration camp. You can’t turn on the bathroom lights without first turning on all of the lights in the room. The shower shoots out fine threads of water with enough power to pierce a rhino’s skin at 100 paces. No, it’s not adjustable.

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Going to visit Mao

I’m off to China until the 15th. The Great Wall, dog meat, and the Workers’ Revolution await!

我在美国的大学上过一节中文课，所以我能说一点点中文。因为我是白人，我的发音不好。我觉得声调很难。我的朋友常常笑我的发音，说我是白洋鬼子。苦命的我！

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Hilarity ensues

Three software posts in a row! That’s just too much. Now for some fun:

I was recently introduced to MC Chris, a.k.a. Chris Ward, a white rapper who also works on Cartoon Network shows like Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He has an entire album and more available for free on his site. Highlights include: “Fett’s Vette,” a rap about Boba Fett, and “The Tussin,” about getting wasted on Robitussin at a high school prom. “Hijack” isn’t bad either.

Also, I may be the last person on the internet to find this, but someone must be a big fan of bukkake. You may have heard about the school district that lost a court case about pro-Creationist stickers on biology textbooks. Check out some hilarious related stickers warning about everything from gravity to plate tectonics.

I have two more tests and one paper due before the end of the semester. Kill me now.

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Kersplat

I’m fascinated by the psychological process that allows one to be proud of a losing streak. It’s probably related to fear of change. Regardless, it’s freakin’ stupid, but people do freakin’ stupid shit all the time, and I’m no exception.

I’m also amused by how people can be disappointed by the only logical outcome of a situation. “Play with fire, get burned” doesn’t seem to mean much to the human brain, thick and juicy though it may be.

In conclusion, now is the time for the 焼酎.　(因为絶望は自業自得。 Try making sense out of that.)

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Alternate interpretation

I’m sure many of you have seen the wonderful Pixar (not Disney) movie, The Incredibles. Those of you who saw it were also forced to watch “Bounding,” the short about the sheep and the jackalope.

If you haven’t seen it, here’s the rundown: There’s a sheep that’s proud of his beautiful wool. Then the farmer comes and shears him, after which everyone makes fun of him because he’s all pink and ugly. Then a jackalope comes by and tells him to “bound,” by which he literally means “jump.” So the sheep starts jumping around, and for some reason this cheers him up. After that, he doesn’t mind anymore when the farmer comes to shear him.

Obviously, “Bounding,” probably hinting at the word “rebound,” was meant to be a light and fluffy “be true to yourself, don’t worry be happy”-type piece of Dear Abby/Ann Landers-style moralizing. However, I have a different interpretation:

The Man is going to fuck you in the ass. Hard and often. And when he does, you had better just bend over and take it. “Assume the position,” as they say in the modern vernacular.

Obviously, the farmer is The Man. The sheep was much happier after giving up fighting the farmer, and just letting him have his way. You (yes, you) are the sheep. Well, I’m the sheep, too. We all are. Who else is the sheep? Your kids, who the movie was targeted at! Is that the kind of propaganda you want your kids exposed to at the movie theater? “Don’t worry about political corruption, the destruction of your Constitutional rights, egregious corporate toadyism, or unjustified, illegal wars, kids! Just bound, bound, and rebound!”

I also think it’s interesting that they chose a jackalope to be the spokesanimal of The Man. Is that a jab at the Roswell-coverup-”I-want-to believe”-black-helicopter crew? Or is it a jab at the fast-food-soap-opera-Miss-Cleo-tabloid idiots? Are they one and the same? Regardless, the true moral of the story is:

Don’t trust whitey.

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